10 Tips for Co-Parenting and Blended Families

Divorce happens. Its painful for everyone involved. Only one thing is certain with divorce, everything changes. For children this can be especially difficult. Their life consisted of seeing their parents daily under the same roof. Now, they may be wondering if they can go to Billy's birthday party because it is on the weekend they are with Dad? Or if Santa will remember to come to the right house on Christmas morning? Or even if Mommy might be sad or lonely when I spend a month in the summer with Daddy?



All of these questions are heartbreaking for parents. In fact, many couples often stay together physically long after they have decided to break up emotionally just to try to keep their children's lives the same a little bit longer. Sometimes they themselves cannot imagine waking up and not having breakfast with their child each morning as they once did. With separation and divorce, the reality of what is to come happens quickly. Although the old memories made your family who they are today, it is important to start making new memories and developing new family rituals.



1. Learn the Art of Forgiveness: This is the first and most important step. It is the foundation for all successful Co-Parenting. Without forgiveness bitterness and blaming will always exist and your kids will notice it. Children, no matter how young, can sense tension. It is crucial that you work through your feelings surrounding the break up and learn acceptance and forgiveness of your self and your ex. Only then, can you begin to truly Co-Parent together.



2. Collaborate with Your Ex: When you were both living in the same house, you both may have felt like you had a voice in how your children were raised. Keep it that way. Just because you now have two different mailing addresses, does not mean that it should be your way only. It is important that both of your parenting styles mimic one another. Collaborate with your ex on important issues such as family values, education, family rules, television restrictions, etc. Talk to each other and find out what each of you want instilled in your children. Make a list of the top 5 values and give it to one another. Respect the values at both houses.



3. Blended Family Means Blended Everything: Try to keep everything between both houses the same. It is important that if your child has his/her own room at one house that he/she has an individual room or space at the other house. Make sure your child has his/her favorite toothbrush, toothpaste, and soap at each house. Also, if possible try to have clothes and toys at each house. This allows the child to not pack as much and feel more like he/she is going to his/her second home versus going on a trip. Also, avoid restricting children from taking favorite objects toys between houses. If you let Sally take her Teddy to the grocery store, then let her take him to Mom's house for the weekend.



4. Don't Leave Discipline at the Doorstep: Nothing makes a child learn to manipulate more than a parent with a guilty conscience. No matter what your child says about "ruining their life with a divorce," it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you want to take away their IPOD for not doing their chores. Button pushing and boundary pushing is part of child development and nothing gives an angry child more ammunition to get you to give in than pouring salt in the wound that is the most fresh. Structure, rules, and discipline promote healthy child development and help children grow into responsible adults. It is also important that when Suzy loses television for a week for poor grades at Mom's, that she doesn't manipulate Dad into letting her watch her favorite cartoons on Saturday morning. So be sure and talk to your ex about backing each other up with consequences and reward systems at both houses.



5. Keep it on Schedule: It is good to keep a calendar at both houses of all of the monthly events at both houses. Whether it is just the usual visitations schedule as well as birthday parties, BBQ's, and movie outings. For younger children who cannot read, you can uses pictures or stickers to represent upcoming events. This helps prepare children for what lies ahead and allows them to feel more comfortable with all of the changes.



6. Let the Kids Have a Say So: Keep an open dialogue with your kids about everything that is going on. If you are questioning whether they are adjusting to the changes, ask them if there is anything you could do to help them feel more comfortable. Maybe Billy thinks his sheets smell funny or are scratchy so they don't remind him of his sheets at Mom's house. Then you could talk with his mom and find out what type of soap she uses on the sheets. Maybe Jeffrey feels lonely because he doesn't have any friends at your house when he visits. Perhaps you could find a local play group or social activity to attend with him when he visits so he can make some new friends.



7. The Comfort of Home: Do you remember your first night in your very own place? Even grown ups have a difficult time sleeping in a new place. It takes time for a new space to feel like home. When you think of "home" what comes to mind? Memories of familiar sights, smells, and traditions. Start building those with your child. Begin fun rituals together. Perhaps on Friday nights you take Jordan to have Pizza and watch a DVD on the couch. Or Saturday mornings become pancake breakfast mornings. Or Wednesday nights become board game night. Whatever fun traditions you and your child create together, stick with them and make them a ritual. This is what builds memories and makes Home Sweet Home.



8. Make Parent Meetings: Make time to meet with your ex face-to-face to talk about your child and any parent concerns. If distance is an issue, call or use Skype. It is important that your children are not present during these meetings. Co-Parenting is a joint effort job and it is important that the two of you have time to collaborate.



9. Keep it Child Centered: Although the two of you were once an item, that is no longer the case. Your relationship is over and now the focus of your interactions together should be on the children. If you find yourself getting angry, upset, or frustrated while talking to your ex, ask yourself, "Is this about my child or my past relationship?" Chances are your old junk from the past is creeping back out. Remind yourself that you are wearing your parent hat and keep the conversation on the topic of your child.

10. Walk the Talk: Show your kids how much you respect your ex. Don't talk negatively about the other parent, even if your child initiates it. Encourage your child to keep normalcy in his/her life by being able to call the other parent daily. Remind yourself that your child loves you both and discourage your child from taking sides.

July is National Child Centered Divorce Month. I want to encourage all blended families to see the benefit and the beauty of Co-Parenting. It is the best gift you can give to your children and it lasts a lifetime.

Remake Your Past

We all have had hard times in our lives. Some of those times may have been much harder than others. Times filled with life decisions we regret that left us feeling angry, shameful, or even guilty. Sometimes we have fought through the hard times through deep self reflection and come out on top. Only to go to Grandma's house for Sunday lunch and have a family member dig up the past with a quick reference to your old self. Then all that anxiety, guilt, bitterness, and shame come raising back to us. You may think to yourself, "I thought I had dealt with this years ago? Why do I feel like this?"

When that guilt creeps up on you stop and ask yourself, "What did I learn from those mistakes? Have those lessons made me a better person?" Throw those feelings of bitterness in the trash with the rotten apples. Stick that guilt in the garbage disposal and hear it crush as you flip on the switch of empowerment.

You have the power to make your own life story. How do you want to remember it? Do you want it to be a life where shame and family secrets are buried deep in chests covered with dust with the possibility of anyone in the family dusting them out at the next family gathering? Or would you rather wear the badge of honor and courage and take charge of your life and tell your family, "I did the best I could at the time and I'm glad it happened that way because I learned how to be the person I am today." That is empowerment. That is bravery. That is "Remaking Your Past."

Magic Pill Society

It seems the more symptoms and diseases that are discovered, the more drugs we have out there. I often remember a televised stand up act from Chris Rock when he said, "Do you go to bed at night and wake up in the morning? Then we got a pill for you." Although there are many drugs out there that are very helpful at fighting off illnesses with severe symptoms, I often wonder if as a society we are looking for a "magic pill" for our ailments.


They have pills for weight loss, energy, allergies, erectile dysfunction, anxiety, depression, bladder problems, and the list goes on and on. It seems so much easier to swallow a pill to solve your problems than to actually figure them out. What did we do before Eli Lilly came along? Don't get me wrong, I am a fan of taking prescriptions when we need it. There are hundreds of drugs out there that save lives and make us more comfortable in general. I am personally known to pop ibuprofen when plagued by a pesky headache. I vaccinate my children to prevent them from getting horrible diseases. But what I don't understand is people who have problems they could solve for themselves looking for a "magic pill" to erase it.

Maybe you have gained a few pounds and are feeling a little down on yourself. The hard thing to do is drag yourself out of the house to run down the block or take a trip to the gym four to five times a week. Because that means finding a sitter for the kids, fitting it into your work schedule, getting up early, etc. We can find a million excuses to not fit that into our schedule. But we can manage to drive ourselves to the drug store or order online the latest weight loss pill. Only to discover after taking it, that it causes heart problems. Hmmm??? You mean tricking mother nature is bad for your health? There is no magic cure for being fit and lean than eating right and exercising. No pill is going to allow you to eat a cheeseburger, fries, and a shake daily and not gain weight. Read the fine print on those commercials. "Best results when combined with a diet and exercise program." Because that is the part that works!

Maybe you have had some horrible tragedy in your life and you are grieving. Sure there are things you can take to help you sleep, calm your nerves, and zombie out. But why? The pain is not going to go away until you properly grieve. It used to be acceptable to mourn. People dressed in black and mourned for years. They would not even leave the house. Ever seen Gone With the Wind? Remember how Scarlet was the talk of the town for not properly morning? Now days people expect you to leave for a week and return to work for business as usual. It takes a long time to grieve and people do it at different rates. They should not have to be searching for a "magic pill" to help them make it through the day because society should rally around them and say its okay to have a bad day today, and tomorrow, and the next day.

The bottom line is that life is hard. Sometimes we have to truly face things and deal with our problems. Whether its from seeking professional help, talking with friends or clergy, or finding that perfect self help book that speaks to your soul. There is no "magic pill" to take that will make all of our problems go away. But changing your thinking, finding solutions you didn't know existed, and taking charge of your life will. The hard road is the road less traveled, but its the only road where long term relief and happiness lie at the end.

Kids Divide and Conquer

While at the park today I noticed a young child about the age of 4 screaming at the top of her lungs and kicking her mother because the swing she wanted to swing on was taken by my child. The mother explains to her daughter she needed to swing on a different swing because my daughter was in the swing she wanted. The child's anger escalated. The mother told the child if she continued to throw a "fit" she would go to time out. The child continued her tantrum and the mother placed her in time out a few feet away. The child continued to scream louder and demanded that she get the swing she wanted as it was next to her playmate. I felt bad for the mother. I have a daughter close to that age and myself have experienced the occasional temper tantrum in the park or grocery store. All kids throw temper tantrums, but for parents it can be quite humiliating. I was applauding the mother in my mind for following through and placing the child in time out. But the child did not calm down and accept her consequence. Instead she screamed even louder and started kicking the ground. What happened next, was shocking to me. The child's father went over to the little girl and began hugging and comforting her. He then picked her up out of her time out spot and moved her to a bench and began laughing with her. The mother, obviously angry, went over to her partner and the two began arguing. The mother explaining the daughter needed to accept consequences for her behaviors and the father stating that he was embarrassed by the screaming in the park. The child did stop her tantrum, but what do you think she learned from this? Divide and conquer.

Never underestimate the brilliant minds of children. Do you remember being a child and knowing your parents weak spots? Mom wouldn't spank you so you knew that you could get away with really bad things when Dad was at work? Or Dad would always give you a cookie even after Mom told you that you didn't eat enough dinner? Your children will do the same. They know the limits and boundaries you place on them. They remember every incident you don't follow through with a consequence. Although saving face in the park may sound appealing to deal with your own anxiety about people looking at you, it only sets you up for more tantrums in the park.

My husband and I discussed long before we had children to have a united front. If he says "No" then I say "No" and vice versa. Even if we don't agree with the other's decision, we say we do for the time being. Then later when the little ears are not able to listen, we might discuss that we did not agree with the other parent's decision at the time and talk about other options. That goes for both rewards and consequences. But we never discuss this in front of the children. They see us playing on the same team.

You may not agree 100% with your partner on parenting decisions, but its important that you get on board in front of the children. Pushing limits and testing boundaries is a normal part of child development. Parents and Step-Parents need to put aside their personal feelings and unify in front of the children. I often tell my clients to create behavioral contracts and rules that apply to both houses. This creates a unified front in blended families. Kids need to know that they have a team of parents all supporting each other. Not only does this alleviate manipulation of rules, but it also creates a strong sense of stability for children. Modeling healthy boundaries at home also teaches children that rules must be followed whether they are at school, church, soccer practice, dad's house, mom's house, or grandma's house. So parents stand together and support each other, and watch your children blossom in a blanket of security.

Fall in love with your life

How do you measure your happiness in your life? Often we might take a step back, look at our life and think its good. Then maybe you see a car driving down the road that has a higher price sticker than yours and it pulls into the neighborhood that you can't even enter without a giving a formal interview to the security guard. You then may think to yourself, "Guess my life's not so great." Or perhaps you wake up one day and discover that your partner did take out the trash like you asked him to and you think to yourself, "What a great partner." Then you have lunch with a girlfriend and she shows you the new bracelet her husband gave her that was on a tray of prepared breakfast that he served her in bed. Suddenly the trash seems insignificant. Is it in our human nature to constantly compare ourselves to others? Or if we are taught to be competitive, can we be taught to be humble?

I had the wonderful opportunity to visit the Potter's House a few years ago. Reverend T.D. Jakes was talking about people complaining about their house not being big enough or their car breaking down. Then he said, "Meanwhile, the guy behind you doesn't have a house or a car." Often it takes us looking at the misfortune of others to remind us to be thankful for what we do have. But how can we learn to be thankful everyday? How can we escape the messages that society want to ingrain in our minds to be a certain way and possess a certain lifestyle? After all, when was the last time you saw a television advertisement for a 1983 Oldsmobile with a bent fender and horrible paint job? Or a vacation advertisement with a family driving to a State Park, camping in a tent, and spending only $20? The brand of cars we drive, size of our house, and luxurious vacation destinations are all how society deems we should measure our happiness. If you achieve these things, a luxurious life, all anxiety and stress will dissolve. Really? Is that what happens when you try to keep up with the Jones'?

Driving down Main Street, I passed a church who always puts insightful sayings on their billboard out front. "Fall in love with people, not things." After all, when a child smiles at you doesn't your heart melt? Your house can't anger you, but your partner can. A car can't evoke fear, but the person driving next to you can. People are the foundation for every emotion we have. Our relationships with them help shape who we are and give us happiness. Shoulders to cry on, hugs, and kisses are all only things you can get from having relationships with others. Stop comparing your life to that of the person sitting next to you. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, fall in love with your life. Its the only one you have.

Make a Weekly Self-Care Appointment

The "To Do" List is constantly growing and shrinking but it seems like never ending. The usual weekly tasks of "laundry, grocery shopping, dry cleaners, cooking, cleaning, etc." Not to mention throw in the carpool, kids soccer games and birthday parties, church and community outings. If the faucet leaks or the yard needs tending to, that can take some brilliant rearranging of the calendar to be able to fit that into the week. You may think to yourself, "If I could only get caught up, I could relax." Then, the dogs are out of food, Billy says he has a book project due tomorrow, and Martha calls and needs your help with the bake sale. "Guess that book I have been wanting to read will have to wait."

It seems the more we get done, the more we take on. Its no wonder that obesity and heart attacks are on the rise. Fast food is comfort food and when you are crazy busy, the foods that taste the best, usually are the worst for you. So you have run around all day, ate poorly, and now you are exhausted. You might reflect back on your day and wonder where it all went? Sure you crossed off many things off your list, but was any of it worthwhile? And what do you have to look forward to tomorrow? More errands, more busywork, more of the same?

So the question is, what did you do that was fun today? Did you play an instrument? Paint a picture? Take a walk in the woods? Ride a horse? Write some Poetry? Get a massage? In a society where we are constantly told to do unto others, we hardly ever do unto ourselves. We need to schedule ourselves Self-Care Appointments. Figure out something you truly love to do. Something that is fun and healthy for your body, mind, and soul. Put it on your calendar every week. Find yourself again. Find your fun.

There is always another way of looking at something

As a therapist, my goal is to give my clients hope for a better tomorrow. Life can be so nasty, dingy, and full of unpredictable changes around every corner. I challenge myself every day to try to find the positive and good in every situation. Today I learned a wonderful example of this from my three year-old daughter.



As we were leaving the house, she stopped by the side of the car and folded her hands together and placed them by her face. She closed her eyes and began speaking ever so silently. I was perplexed by this behavior as I have never witnessed her do such a thing. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "I was thanking God for making those pretty flowers." I looked down to beside her and noticed small yellow flowers blooming in a cluster of weeds in our yard. I smiled at her and acknowledged that they were indeed pretty yellow flowers.



I had noticed that cluster of weeds the previous day and was upset that we had worked so hard to keep weeds out of our yard, and here they were growing again. But my daughter did not notice the weeds. She has not been taught that weeds are not desirable. Instead she saw "pretty flowers." Flowers that she thought were so beautiful, she needed to be thankful for them.



If we can be taught to see the bad side of things, we can also be taught to see the good side of things. When you are facing a bad day, anger is creeping up inside, and you feel like life is just not fair, I challenge you this week to look past the cluster of weeds and try to find the "pretty flowers" in your life.